Monday, September 24, 2018

Like, I mean, read this

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I woke up yesterday morning to the sounds of ice picks and hammers. Probably the neighbor gone overboard—tired of ice skating out to her car for the past two weeks—trying to break up the three-inch glacier covering everybody’s lawn out here on good Olde Cape Cod.

Then it occurred to me that the noises were just too loud to be the lady next door, so I put on some clothes and went outside to see what was going on. Rounding the corner of the house, I discovered a team of Swiss ice climbers scaling our chimney, which has sported a variety of challenging world class icefalls since last week’s storm. Querying them in my broken German, I learned that our chimney is rated WI4 on the World Icefall Difficulty Scale.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

You're in (urine) trouble!

I heard a radio ad the other day that started with this interrogatory line: “Men, do you wake up to urinate?”

Certainly it’s a better option than not waking up. My wife agrees with me on this point.

I’m 51 years old now and have just lived through the two milestones that happen during your 50th year: 1) the AARP pummels you with embarrassing weekly mailings reminding you and everyone else who sees your mail that you’ve hit the big half century mark, and 2) you start paying attention to prostate commercials.

First, let’s take a look at the origin of the word prostate. Turns out it’s Greek, from the word prostátēs meaning “one standing before” or “protector” or “guardian.” It gets its name from its position at the base of a man’s bladder, sort of protecting the bladder like a security guard would protect a gasoline storage tank.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Hey!! Golfer, golfer... SWING!!!!!!

At Texas A&M University, there are twelve men on the Aggies’ offensive and defensive football squads. The “12th man” is the crowd of 83,000 in Kyle Field, cheering, roaring and, for all 60 minutes, up on their feet. In Seattle and Indianapolis, home field advantage is huge because of crowd noise that makes it nearly impossible for opposing offenses to call their plays and audibles. The fans at Fenway intimidate pitchers to the point where some of them, like John Lackey of the Angels, have lost their confidence when pitching in the Hub.

If screaming crowds are so effective in football and baseball, why is it that someone decided it’s not appropriate for golf, tennis and bowling? Or ping pong, billiards and chess?

Imagine a throng of Tiger maniacs surrounding the first tee at Augusta, doing the wave and yelling “Tiger, Tiger, he’s our man!! He can do it. Yes he can!!” Five shirtless frat boys, wielding five nearly empty Bud bottles, spell out “IGRET” on their chests. Drum rolls from the LSU band and cheerleaders being tossed fifteen feet into the air add to the frenetic atmosphere.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

You're in (urine) trouble!

I heard a radio ad the other day that started with this interrogatory line: “Men, do you wake up to urinate?”

Certainly it’s a better option than not waking up. My wife agrees with me on this point.

I’m 51 years old now and have just lived through the two milestones that happen during your 50th year: 1) the AARP pummels you with embarrassing weekly mailings reminding you and everyone else who sees your mail that you’ve hit the big half century mark, and 2) you start paying attention to prostate commercials.

First, let’s take a look at the origin of the word prostate. Turns out it’s Greek, from the word prostátēs meaning “one standing before” or “protector” or “guardian.” It gets its name from its position at the base of a man’s bladder, sort of protecting the bladder like a security guard would protect a gasoline storage tank.